Friendship and the Good Life

How to be a good friend from the Stoic perspective

Without realising it at the time, a Wise became friends with a Fool. The Fool hid herself well, and for almost 14 years she disguised herself as another Wise. Eventually, the Wise became aware of this deception. But fondness for their history and the fear of being unjust, kept the Wise from acting on her discovery. As the Fool became more and more comfortable over time, she let slip her true motives. Yet still the Wise, ever so occupied with exuding temperance, continued to turn the other cheek. But the Wise could not do this forever, and it quickly became apparent that the friendship wasn’t sustainable from the beginning. The Fool knew this too and decided she no longer had use for the Wise. And so, they parted ways…

The Good Life

Part of creating a meaningful life is to have meaningful friendships. We want a handful of genuine friends that’ll stick with us until the end, who we can hold all our confidence in with so much personal history to last a lifetime. As humans and as moral creatures, we want lives surrounded by people who mean something to us, and we want to have them for Good reasons. Most of us at least, would prioritise the right thing. But the question of what is right or what is morally Good, is the reason many of us end up stumped. Life presents challenges, but we don’t often have all the tools (or ones that appeal to us) to deal with those challenges.

One challenge that presents itself is the change in friendships. There are multiple reasons for this; you slowly drift apart after a while, you lose interest in something you both once shared or conflict arises, and the friendship cannot be repaired. There are an array of blogs, TED-talks and relationship advice available on the internet. Much of it I’ve found is repetitive or unwarranted. That isn’t to say that psychological studies or someone else’s personal experiences are not worth considering. They just cannot understand your situation. And for a while, I felt that they couldn’t be applied to mine.

Was the friendship between the Wise and the Fool worth it while it lasted? Can we still think of a friendship as successful if it doesn’t last from its inception until you reach your deathbed? Was the Wise really wise if she could not see the Fool’s true values? What if the Fool had the smarter of intentions by remaining with the Wise only for utility? These questions have passed through my mind persistently. But regardless of the pain this relationship caused in its final year, granting myself action based on what I valued in friendship itself was the healthiest choice I could have made, removing all doubt that the friendship, inevitably, had to end.

'The Reader' - Jean Honoré Fragonard

It’s when a friendship is in crisis that you’ll start to consider what you actually value. Friendships with people you’ve met at a university club, may transform from casual relationships into deeper ones. A friend you’ve acquired during early school years because both of you were alone and had no friends, may yet turn out to become superficial and forced. Eventually, each of us will come across a pained relationship. And every time it does, you’ll reconsider once again what you value in friendship.

The hardest part of being in this position is realising that you’ve ignored your most important values for the sake of superfluous aspects of the friendship. Regardless of what you believe, if you ignore what you value, you will be unhappy.

Philosophy can teach what it is to be moral, what it is to be Good. But above all, it will always teach you how to think. Thinking allows you to discover your strongest beliefs and challenges you to understand why you believe them. It is a consolation that through philosophical practice, you can come up with solutions that reflect your deepest beliefs.

The Stoic Way to Being a Good Friend

Stoic philosophy often deals out harsh truths and condones the sufferings of reality, but it is all for our benefit. It makes no exception with friendship. While it is common and accepted for people of different values to befriend each other, it should not come at the expense of either person or those around them. Friendships between people who differ can be a blessing and often makes friendship seem more virtuous. But for traditional Stoicism, the potential for differences to create problems is something to seriously consider when choosing a friend; there are some values that friends must share for their relationship to be successful and worth the investment in the long run.

Zeno of Citium's Cardinal Values

Often when I read Philosophy, I am confronted with the problem of terminology. Anything that was written before the last century has a tendency to include terms that have since become colloquial or have changed meaning completely. The Ancients are no exception. And so, to tackle such questions we must treat the Wise and the Fool as the terms that were provided to us.

For Epictetus, the Wise person primarily is wise because they understand the true differences between Good and Bad. This understanding is necessary to act with temperance and courage, and to treat people fairly and justly; as is a good Stoic. In this sense, we can forget the unrealistic modern conception that a wise person would be able to see through tricks or would otherwise make decisions only through logic. We are human and can be deceived.

Similarly, the Fool is simply the person who does not understand the true differences between Good and Bad. In Seneca the Younger’s letters on Genuine Friendship, he highlights the human’s priority for utility as the enemy of true friendship. Becoming a friend with someone for personal gain, for the material and impermanent or for pure utility are not values to celebrate. Hence, the Fool encapsulates a lack of wisdom and self-control, as well as a disregard for other people. We are human and we prioritise self-preservation.

While I do have a sweet spot for Stoicism and its various sister-schools, it would be wrong of me to continue without addressing the glaring moral issue that these definitions of Wise and Fool represent. What are the true differences between Good and Bad? How can we tell the difference? The Ancient Greeks and Romans are known for their idealism. They posed geometry as beauty, dreamed up Utopias and created Democratic and Imperialist systems that they thought would work. So of course, Good and Bad had to be just as black and white. And for the Stoic philosophy on friendship, this distinction fits.

The virtues that the Wise are attributed are admirable, especially in today’s light. To be altruistic and holding a high degree of emotional intelligence are qualities that have been considered Good by many. In truth, having an outline of a few Good values to uphold (as opposed to assigning yourself with a larger set of strict rules) is an easier way to apply and test them to scenarios in your life. If we take a Stoic approach to become the Wise Good friend, we are acting with consideration, tolerance, honesty and respect towards our friends. An appealing, simple idea.

But just because you keep yourself in check, it doesn’t mean other people will. It’s especially hard to keep being the Good friend when you feel your efforts are not being recognised or respected. And while this Stoic idea of being a good friend seems to be purely idealistic, reality does get a say. The Stoics were aware that ideals are a rarity and suffering through harder relationships are more common than not. Thankfully, they have not only provided us with an idea of how to behave ourselves, but the behaviour we should be on the look-out for in others.

How to be Wise when Choosing Your Friends

Stoicism provides a set of criteria that can be applied to both gaining friendships and maintaining existing ones. Seneca the Younger’s focus on developing trust in the early stages further validates the Stoic legitimacy. Trust in friendship is not only essential, a lack of it or a breach of trust is often a sure sign of a failing relationship. Hence, the Wise discovering the Fool’s deception starts the derailment of their friendship.

'Marcus Aurelius Distributing Bread to the People' - Joseph-Marie Vien

Developing Trust must be the first step to true friendship; once established, it guarantees an expectation of accountability between both parties. It also forms an expectation of intimacy; the line between an acquaintance and a friend is easily drawn from what you choose to divulge to them. But for Stoics, the highest benefit of developing both trust and intimacy with a person is loyalty. A friendship built on the mutual knowledge and promise of support is the highest form of friendship, and by extension, love. 

Leave the Fools Behind

By now it is well established that toxic friendships are not something to tolerate. This is also where the Stoics draw the line with justly action. It's neither virtuous nor healthy to remain with Fools. It is inevitable, that with an uneven balance between the values of either party, the scale will tip. Good friends can only give so much, and yet there is no limit to how much Bad friends will take. Epictetus knew that it is in our nature to take for the sake of our survival, but this nature also took with it the potential for happiness. Seneca was rightfully adamant that shared values are necessary for a healthy friendship. You can only understand and be understood if you both share the same values. The most critical understanding is in knowing how to be Good to one another.

Being constantly concerned with your performance as a friend has its fallbacks. To this day, I still wonder if there was anything I had done or could’ve done to change that 14-year path. Yet despite pondering on the smaller contingencies, I have no regrets in leaving to find others who could understand me.

Why Bother Being Good? Intro to Kantian Ethics